


i just want you for my own (more than you could ever know)

by akosmia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Library, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 21:11:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17108204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akosmia/pseuds/akosmia
Summary: “It’s just the two of us, nobody will know”.He blinked again. It seemed like that was all he was doing today, but somehow Rey managed to surprise him at every turn.“Wait,” he interrupted her, raising his hands. “Thetwo of us? As in, you’re going to stay?”Rey raised her eyebrows even more. “Yeah,” she said, as if it was obvious, which clearly wasn’t to Ben. “That’s my Christmas lunch, too”.He opened his mouth, then closed it. Then he opened it again. “And don’t you want to spend this day, like, not with me in a deserted library?”-- or: how Ben and Rey fell in love, over the span of three Christmases.





	i just want you for my own (more than you could ever know)

**Author's Note:**

> yes, the title is from _all i want for christmas_ , i know no shame. anyway, this is pure fluff as usual - a little bit of a light angst, but just fluff honestly. it seems like that's all i ever write these days :D
> 
> anyway, on this day, last year, i started writing fanfictions again for the first time in five years, and now i'm posting this, and i'm really emotional about how far i've come. thank you so much, for the support you've always shown me this year, and for welcoming me in the wonderful reylo community ♥ i feel very lucky and grateful right now!!
> 
> also, let me add i know nothing about how to run a library but pay it no mind :D

**(i)**

Before she appeared in the library on Christmas Day, Ben Solo had seen Rey Niima barely half a dozen time, and had spoken to her only once, when she had come to his desk to check a book out and he had proceeded to make an exact fool of himself by stuttering on his words and forgetting how to exist at all in her presence.

He barely knew her at all - he only knew that she had moved recently to Coruscant, that she taught at the preschool a few blocks away and that she was insanely pretty and insanely smart, with bright eyes and a smile that had dazzled him from the very first time and a softness about her that shone on her face like a light, a combination that had rendered him speechless as he had introduced himself and complimented her for her choices in books.

She had smiled politely, her lips curved upwards combined with the smattering of freckles on the bridge of her nose such an entrancing sight that Ben had no memory of everything that came after that. In any case, he probably managed to look like a perfect idiot, and she probably thought he was a desperate cause and proceeded to never speak to him again, because she never came back and returned the book when he was not on shift.

And yet, here she was. She had stepped through the library door with a surprised expression as if stepping in a whole new world, wearing a warm coat and a soft-looking scarf around her neck, snowflakes in her hair as she looked around with her big hazel eyes and her lips curved in a precious, spontaneous smile that made his heart skip a few beats, because it was _beautiful_ and it inspired him the same awe he felt as he looked at the constellations in the night sky.

He decided not to linger on it, even if his cheeks felt already on fire, despite how much he tried to pretend not to notice it. “Can I help you?” he asked, stepping out of his desk and nervously rubbing the back of his neck, his eyes darting between her frame and his shoes.

She turned into his direction as if she had already sensed his presence, and smiled even wider, probably forgetting who she was talking to. Her freckles were clearly visible against her complexion and he suddenly remembered why he had forgotten how to talk completely the first time he had seen her.

Ben had never been one to _crush_ on someone and sure as hell didn’t believe in the concept of _love at first sight_ \- he was _difficult_ , that was what he’d heard for his whole life. He was difficult to handle, he was too much or not enough, he couldn’t stand most of the people he was surrounded by, and he barely knew how to interact in a functioning way without making anyone cry or sigh or roll their eyes. He was, in a word, defective. But that day, Rey Niima had stepped into his life with her freckled smile and kind eyes, and he forgot all about that.

“Hey,” she greeted him, with her bright grin and her shining eyes. The snow in her hair, along with the luminosity of her gaze, made her look like something conjured out of a fairy-tale, a wild forest spirit appeared out of nowhere just for him. “I thought the library was closed on Christmas”.

He cleared his throat, shoving his hands in the pocket of his jeans to prevent himself from rubbing his neck again and trying his best to shrink into his shoulders, even if it was a difficult affair, being as broad as he was. It didn’t stop him from trying, though.

“It is,” he stated, in the end, glancing at the open door behind her and grimacing.

She must have caught his gaze, because she looked the same way and a smiled even wider, the bright energy that she seemed to radiate transforming into something even more vibrant. For a moment, it looked like the library, the countless shelves and books and the whole old, dull world around them had turned into a black and white, monotonous background, and the only spot of color was this vibrant girl in front of him that looked like everything he had ever dreamed of.

She tried her best to stifle a giggle. “It doesn’t look very closed to me,” she replied, darting a glance into his direction again, the smile never leaving her lips.

The sudden urge to run off and hide himself behind a pile of books took hold of his mind and for a moment he pondered about it, wondering how ridiculous he’d look, but then he fought against it, staying firmly planted on his spot, even if ran his hand through his hair in a nervous gesture.

“It’s closed for everyone except for me,” he managed to say, in the end.

Her eyebrows shot up, her eyes twinkling pleasantly even in the dim light of the library. “So it’s open, then”.

There was a sort of challenge in her tone, her voice barely raising but her expression fiercely determined, and Ben felt something tingle in a pleasant way in his chest, as if she had just tugged at a heartstring he didn’t know he possessed.

He scoffed, barely containing some sort of laughter he didn’t know he was able to produce at all. “Are we arguing about _semantics_?”

A brief silence fell on the deserted library. Her smile turned a little bit apologetic - a closed-lipped thing, gentle and regretful, that didn’t reach her eyes. She shrugged, and it felt almost like she was trying her best to shrink into her shoulders too, as if she wanted to hide. He felt a pang in his chest, for reasons unknown, and he immediately regretted his words.

“Yeah, sorry, I know I can be…” she trailed off, averting her eyes and staring at her shoes as if she had just realized she was wearing them. She pressed her lips together again, and then exhaled. “Well, a little bit pedantic,” she finished, never losing the brightness around her that had captivated him from the very first moment, even if it had dimmed a little bit now.

Ben had the sudden urge to tell her she could be as pedantic as she wanted to be, and he would have been fine with it for the rest of his life, but he stayed in silence.

She tried to laugh it off, her voice resonating in the solemn silence of the library. “I’m Rey, by the way,” she added, waving her hand as if to better explain herself.

“I know,” he said, then grimaced, cringing internally for how creepy it sounded. “I mean, I remember you. You teach at the preschool, right? You came to pick up a book a few months ago,” he added. Before she could remember that awful encounter and proceed to run out of the library and never talk to him again, he continued. “I’m Ben. Can I help you with something?”

Her cheeks turned a bright red, and her eyes twinkled again. Her lips curved into another dazzling smile that had him reeling, and he almost missed her words because he was too focused on staring at her mouth.  

“No, I mean-” she shook her head, as if to clear her thoughts. “I live right across the street and I was going to- you know, Christmas lunch”.

Yeah, Ben knew, even if he didn’t want to - but it was impossible not to, with every shop window decorated for Christmas, and every damn store blasting Christmas songs at full volume. It was like the world wanted to remind him what he was actively trying his best to forget, and it was probably the reason why he was there, sulking in a library that was supposed to be closed, and pretending it was a day like any other. It was probably why he had been doing this for many years now.

“-and I noticed it was snowing so I went at the window- I had never seen it snow before and-” she continued, her words chasing one after another, bubbling pleasantly in the usual silence around him, filling it. “Well, I noticed the library was open and I thought it was weird so …”

She trailed off, and Ben stared at her with his lips pressed together, not sure how to explain to this weird, vibrant girl that he hated Christmas without looking like the pretentious asshole he probably was.

“Yeah, well,” he said, eloquently as usual. He shoved his hands in the pocket of his jeans again, and proceeded to stare at his feet, as if fascinated by the sight of them. “Work to do, you know”.

It sounded stupid - he knew it sounded stupid the moment the words had left his mouth, but this didn’t stop him from saying them out loud and not even bothering to correct himself. He cringed, hoping Rey wasn’t going to tease him for it.

She didn’t. She hummed, and when he darted a glance in her direction, her expression was weirdly gentle, her eyebrows barely raised upwards.

“On Christmas?”

Something churned into his stomach, his chest going tight. He knew that look - the one he had received too many times to be able to count them. The look his mother or Luke or his co-workers often reserved him, when he mentioned he had no plans for his Christmas holidays and he intended to spend them on his own - that mix of pity and sadness he was too familiar with.

That all too familiar look was mixed with something else on Rey’s face, though - some kind of bittersweet quality about it, as if his words somehow resonated deeply within her. He didn’t know how to react to that, so he just shrugged it off.

“Yeah,” he confirmed, nodding enthusiastically, as if emboldened by his own lie. “Lots to do. These books arrived right the other day and I need to register them and, you know. Library stuff. Nothing interesting, I fear”.

Rey clearly wasn’t satisfied with his answer, but instead of poking him until he admitted he didn’t have work to do and that was all a lie because he was a sad, pathetic asshole and he intended to spend Christmas cataloguing books rather than face his mother, she crossed her arms and stared at him with her big hazel eyes, and surprised him.

“Forgive me, I don’t want to intrude but-” she worried her bottom lip between her teeth, and Ben forgot what they were talking about for a whole second. “Aren’t you going to celebrate Christmas?”

Ah, there it was - the question he had been dreading. He had to admit it: Rey was determined. She hadn’t danced around it like his co-workers and the people he was surrounded by often did - she had asked it directly, with her kind eyes and gentle smile, and that brightness around her that no amount of negativity from him seemed to snuff out completely.

“Uh, no, I-” he tried to say, shaking his head. “I’m not”.

There seemed to be an urgency about her, as if she couldn’t fathom the idea of not celebrating Christmas. “But-”

“Look,” he interrupted her, raising his hands in a pleading gesture, as if begging her to listen to him. It felt almost automatic - a pavlovian response from everytime he had to fight his mother and her stubbornness, telling her that yes he was fine, yes he wasn’t going to celebrate Christmas, no he didn’t want to attend her stupid dinner party. But Rey listened intently, no intention of interrupting him or talk over him, which he appreciated. “I know you mean well and I appreciate that, really, I do, but I don’t like Christmas, and I sure as hell don’t celebrate it”.

There was an awkward silence, and Rey looked like she really wanted to say something, but she didn’t know how, so he shrugged again, trying his best to hide himself, almost wishing he could disappear entirely.

“I know it sounds pretentious but I just don’t. Sorry,” he added, wincing at his own words. He had the sudden urge to flee the country and bleach this conversation out of his mind, but he stayed put, probably because he was a masochist at heart.

Rey looked deep in thought. Her smile had turned pensive, and her brows were furrowed together, a slight wrinkle appearing between them. Her eyes were fixed on him, as if she was observing his very soul, but he was surprised to discover that it didn’t feel half as bad as usual as he stood there, under her bright gaze, under examination but weirdly comfortable.

Then, she let out a deep breath and furrowed even more her brows. “Are you going to eat something, at least?”

The question took him by surprised and he blinked once, then twice, as if to make sense of the words inside his mind. “ _What_?” he asked, as if assuring himself he hadn’t heard her wrong. Rey just stared at him, expectantly. “Yeah, I guess. I’ll be home tonight, anyway”.

“What?” This time, she looked utterly _outraged_ , as if he had just insulted her. Ben blinked again, confused, feeling like he had missed half of the conversation. Then, she let out another breath, and she must have thought about something, because her face lit up and the warm, bright smile was back on her face. “Can you wait here for a bit?”

He had barely the time to nod, before she turned on her heels and dashed out of the library. Ben was left there, leaning on his desk and staring at the place where she had stood just a second ago, feeling weirdly disappointed. It was always going to be like this, he told himself, and there was no need to be so surprised. He had fucked up again, but what was new about that? _Some things never change_ , he thought.  

But Rey had felt so different from everyone else he had ever met - there had been her brightness and the way her gaze had skimmed over him, kindly and with a warmth he had never felt in his life. He tried to fight the thought of her smile, as he returned to his desk and started to stack one book on top of another, the routine of it so etched into his bones that his mind wandered off all of its own.

_It’s not like she likes you_ , he repeatedly told himself. He was pretentious and stupid, and she probably took the first opportunity to run off and never step into the library again. Who the fuck talks about not liking Christmas anyway? She probably thought he was a psychopath, and he didn’t blame her at all.

_It was just_ \- he had never hoped for things to be different, for _himself_ to be different, as much as he had hoped it now, watching Rey look comfortable and at ease in his library as if she had always belonged there. His heart clenched in his chest, but he tried to fight the thought away. It was never going to be different.

He was so deep in his thoughts he barely noticed someone walking into the library and he snapped out of his self-loathing marathon only when that someone dropped a bag on his desk. He jolted, and raised his eyes, and his heart went tight in his chest when he realized that it was Rey, and she was closer than before, and her eyes were even more brilliant up close.

“Oh,” he said, stupidly, as he watched her grin. There were fresh snowflakes in her hair, and her face was red from the cold, and he had never seen someone so beautiful before. His heart hammered in his chest, and he had to tell himself he barely knew her at all, and it was stupid to be so whipped about someone who he had talked exactly twice to. His eyes fell on the bag she had deposited on his desk, between piles of books. “What the hell is this?”

Her giggle echoed in the library, and made his heart race. “Christmas,” she replied, easily. Then, she caught his eyes, and her grin went a little bit softer. “I thought- well, you don’t have to celebrate it, but you can at least eat something”.

The words didn’t make sense at all. He blinked her in, then he looked at the bag, and he realized what she was talking about only when she started to pull out of the bag all the things that made a Christmas feast worth it. He had rarely seen so much food in his life, even when he used to live with his parents, and he stared at her in disbelief.

Ben, being Ben, acted like the perfect idiot he was. “I can’t eat in the library,” he announced, as Rey made space on his desk for all the things she had brought. “It’s a rule”.

She limited herself to raise her eyebrows, her gentle smile turning into a slight smirk. “You’re the librarian,” she reminded him, her voice colored by clear amusement. “You _make_ the rules”.

He barely managed to hold back a chuckle.

“What kind of librarian I’d be if I didn’t respect my own rules?”

It was a testament to her stubbornness, the fact that she didn’t raise her hands, drop everything and ran out of the library. “A cool one?” she retorted. She didn’t stop pulling food after food out of the bag, to the point he wondered if she had enchanted it. “Oh, come on!” she added, looking at him straight in the eyes and batting her eyelashes, as if to plead him. Ben immediately forgot why he was even arguing about it. “It’s just the two of us, nobody will know”.

He blinked again. It seemed like that was all he was doing today, but somehow Rey managed to surprise him at every turn.

“Wait,” he interrupted her, raising his hands. “The _two of us_? As in, you’re going to stay?”

Rey raised her eyebrows even more. “Yeah,” she said, as if it was obvious, which clearly wasn’t to Ben. “That’s my Christmas lunch, too”.

He opened his mouth, then closed it. Then he opened it again. “And don’t you want to spend this day, like, not with me in a deserted library?”

She laughed again - a silvery sound that his heart had started to like way too much. “Shut up,” she said, her voice so full of sweetness he lost it for a whole minute. “Do you want to not celebrate Christmas together or not?”

That was surely the weirdest Christmas in his whole life, and that was a lot to say. He had a lot of questions, not all of them properly formulated, and his thoughts chased themselves incessantly in his mind, but he stared at her - the gentle eyes, the lips curved upwards in a radiant smile, the freckles on her nose and the way she looked at him, expectantly, so absurdly happy and willing to spend her Christmas with a stranger just because she was worried he wasn't going to eat - and he didn’t know what he had done to deserve this, but he wasn’t going to question it anymore.

_Call it a Christmas miracle_.

“Okay,” he said, and was rewarded by Rey’s brilliant, dazzling, wonderful smile.

 

**(ii)**

The wind was howling by the time Rey stepped into the library, wrapped in a giant coat and her usual warm scarf, and carrying two bags that looked way too full in her arms.

Ben jumped out of his chair without even realizing it, and walked up to her as if possessed. Almost out of instinct, he grabbed the bags she was carrying, helping her to ease them on the desk, as Rey profusely thanked him but also reminded him she could carry it all on her own - a protest he was way too familiar with by now, as he heard that at least twice a day since she had started visiting the library.

He had learned a lot about Rey in the past year - he had learned that she had  moved there from Jakku, that she barely tolerated the cold, and that she was fiercely independent, even when it didn't pay her to be so. He was familiar with the way she toyed with her hair when she was deep in thought, and he knew far too well the wrinkle that appeared between her brows when she frowned. The curve of her lips was an entrancing sight he had memorized, and he thought he could trace the pattern of her freckles with his eyes closed.

It always surprised him - how he managed to know so much about someone, how he had instinctively filed her quirks and her mannerism and her habits and had somehow memorized them. It felt both weird and absolutely normal and they had slipped into this kind of intimacy as if stepping down a ladder, easily and instinctively.

He dropped the bags on the desk, careful not to knock the pile of books off, then he turned into her direction and stared at her with wide eyes, as if to make sense of her presence here, in his - well, the town’s, but it was kind of his by now - library, on Christmas day.

The windows rattled for the wind, and the clouds casted a deep shadow on the shelves, and he noticed the redness of her face as she divested herself of her coat and placed it on his desk, together with her scarf. Her hair had been swept by the harsh breeze, and it fell around her face in messy waves, brushing against her skin. She looked incredible, Ben realized not for the first time. She radiated some kind of bright, lively energy as she stood there, a deep contrast to the gloomy atmosphere outside, and smiled widely at him as if all she had ever wanted was to be here with him, on Christmas Day.

“Ah, it's so warm and nice here,” she commented, humming under her breath and hugging herself as if to heat up her frozen muscles. “It's awful out there. Honestly, before I came here I didn't know winter could be so cold. How do you even _survive_?”

The fact that she had faced the storm outside just to walk into his library puzzled him deeply, but his traitorous heart didn't seem to need reasons, and started to thunder against his chest with rapid beats that, he was sure of it, she could hear very clearly.

“What,” he managed to croak, his voice barely audible even in the silence of the library. He cleared his throat, as he pushed his glasses up his nose - the usual anxious gesture that betrayed exactly how nervous he was when Rey was involved. “What are you doing here?”

Rey's face broke in a tender smile that made his chest go tight, because no one had ever looked at him like that - like he meant something, and she was happy to be there with him.

“I’m honoring our tradition,” she explained, so matter-of-fact, as if they had already talked about this at length, and she had not just surprised him, appearing in his library from out of nowhere. “It’s Christmas. Or, _not-Christmas_ , if you prefer,” she added, with a pout.

At this, his heart definitely gave out, and he blacked out for a whole moment, not sure he had understood her words, but not daring to ask her for any explanation because he wanted to believe it - he wanted to believe she was there for him, to spend another Christmas with him even if he was the grumpiest company ever and he barely tolerated Christmas at all. It couldn’t be true, he reasoned with himself, but - but his heart fluttered in his chest, and he felt a smile spread on his lips out of its own accord, and something buzzed right beneath his skin. Something that felt dangerously like _happiness_.

Of course, he felt the need to be himself. “You can’t call a tradition something that has occurred only once,” he punctuated, with that spontaneous little smile that he couldn’t erase from his face, no matter how hard he tried.

Rey’s eyebrows shot up in the challenging way he was familiar with, from having spent so many afternoons in her presence by now, bickering back and forth like old friends.

“That’s why I’m here,” she replied, her lips curved in broad grin. “To make it a tradition”.

“It’s still not-”

“Are we arguing about _semantics_?”

Her voice was amused, her expression open and full of myrth, some kind of savage happiness bubbling almost out of control. It was like he could read her, for the first time in his life, and he realized how important it was for her this stupid, senseless tradition she had made up and Ben - Ben felt like some kind of blessing had descended upon him, because he couldn’t fathom the idea of having her here but, as usual when Rey was involved, he wasn't going to question it anymore.

He shook his head, clearly in disbelief at what was happening right in front of him. He couldn’t help but to let his gaze linger on her - on the way she looked up at him with her eyes so full of happiness and hope, that quiet determination that shone through every single thing she did. He followed her movements as she moved the books around to make space on his desk, and grabbed two chair so they could sit.

“I just,” he tried to say, his voice failing him. He had never been the one for words - expressing himself had always been a painful, messy affair, and he didn’t know how to do that without screaming or shouting or clenching his fists and slamming them into walls. But he tried, anyway. “I just can’t understand why you would spend a day like this with me, here, when you could be anywhere else”.

It felt like it was happening in slow-motion. She turned into his direction, and her face went utterly soft, her smile morphing into something tender and gentle and sweet, and Ben’s chest went tight again, his breath short on his lips, and his heart thundering against his chest, almost as if to claw its way out of his throat.

Rey made it look simple. She stretched out her arm and placed her hand on his shoulder, grasping it slightly. The gentle pressure of her fingers felt grounding and elating at the same time, and he shuddered in her touch, without knowing why. He knew his cheeks were on fire, and he’d probably be blushing from here until tomorrow, but he found out he didn’t really care about it.

“Because,” she whispered, her voice so low, almost as if she was telling him a secret. There was no one else in the library except for them, but still, she got closer as she continued, smiling up at him and staring at him with eyes that shone even now. “Believe it or not, I actually enjoy your company”.

_Then you must be crazier than I thought_ , he wanted to say, but he hesitated, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth and staring down at her. The words were right there, on the tip of his tongue, but there was such a fragile, hopeful expression on her face and it felt realer and more sincere than everything he had ever seen in the past ten years, and so he smiled too, and softly shook his head.

“Come on,” he murmured, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose, more out anxiety than real necessity. “Let’s eat. I can't believe you're making me break a rule _again_ ”.

Rey’s smile was so bright he almost went blind.

They ate, and talked. Rey had brought a bottle of wine, and they shared it as they giggled about something together, and Ben almost never stopped to wonder how this had happened, how he had got so lucky. She talked about the preschool - about the kids she was so fond of, of her work, of how it tired her but also made her impossibly happy. He told her some funny stories about the library, how he ended up being a librarian anyway, and exactly how much he hated his co-workers. She had spent a lot of time in the library in the past year - coming to cheek books out or just to smile at him and keep him company as he worked. She had memorized his work shift, and was always there when he stepped into the library, with a smile on her face and the usual fierce determination around her - but they had never talked so much before. It almost felt like they had been let loose - like all their hesitation had suddenly disappeared. She let out a heartfelt laughter at his impression of Hux’s disdainful scowl, and he felt like, for the first time, Christmas wasn’t just an excuse to remind him how irritating life could be.

They were finishing the bottle of wine, when Rey talked again. Her cheeks were red, and her eyes were brighter than usual, and there was something about her that was even more vibrant. She was a little bit tipsy, but so was he, after all, and he didn’t mind it - she looked like some kind of ethereal vision right there, slightly blurry among the books he loved so much.

“You know,” she started, bringing her glass of wine to her lips. Her eyes lingered of him for the longest second ever, then she let out a deep breath and her lips curved into the fond smile he was starting to realize she reserved for him only. “I actually meant what I said earlier. I do enjoy your company”.

Maybe it was the wine that had gone to his head, maybe it was the _thing_ that tightened in his chest everytime she looked at him like that, maybe it was the idea of Christmas that made him weak - or maybe it was the fact that he was tired of lying to himself. He actually didn’t know, and he didn’t want to, but he ended up sighing and smiling, wistfully, and shook his head.

“I really don’t understand,” he murmured, then he brought his hand on his mouth, as if catching the words that had already flown away, and felt his cheeks turn crimson under her gentle gaze.

Rey frowned, confused - the wrinkle in the middle of her forehead appearing again, as her thoughts spinned furiously as always in her mind. “What-”

He didn't let her finish. He stared at what was left of the wine in his glass, and let out a deep breath. “I just-” he shook his head again. The words were a messy thing in his mind, and maybe it didn’t help the fact that he felt as if his world had started turning faster without his permission. “I'm not exactly the most cheerful company in the world”.

His words were met with the silvery giggle that his heart had become so fond of from the very first moment, a year ago. “Is it so hard to believe that I like you because you’re your grumpy, wonderful self?”

No one had ever called him _wonderful_ and Ben couldn’t understand in the slightest why she would ever think of him like that - as if that word made sense in her mind when applied to sulky, irritable Ben Solo, asshole librarian. He felt his cheek turn even redder under her gaze, and he averted his eyes, staring at his hands as if all the answers were written in the constellation of moles on his skin.

Rey laughed again, but it was a warm, welcome sound - she was not mocking him, and he knew it, because he felt her laughter resound deep within himself, as if the two of them were connected by a string that tied them together. It felt - right, as nothing had ever felt before.

“Yeah, right,” he said, dismissively, rubbing his neck in a nervous gesture. “But I still don’t understand. You deserve to properly celebrate Christmas,” he added, darting a glance in her direction and watching her cock his head to the side, her eyebrows still knit together. “Like, not like this”.

She stayed in silence for a few seconds, taking his words in. Her lips curved into a pensive smile, as she toyed with the glass she was holding in her hand, her gaze resolutely fixed on her fingers. There was a tension in the line of her shoulders and in the set of her jaw, but she acted like she hadn't even noticed, and it reminded him too much of himself.

He felt his heart clench into his chest.

“You know,” she started, her voice weirdly low and soft, barely above a whisper as if she was afraid of being heard, even by him. “I think this is the closest thing to a real Christmas I’ve ever had”.

It took him a few minutes to grasp the words and make sense of them inside his hazed mind, but when he did, he frowned, confused, and parted his lips as if to say something, but nothing came to his mouth. Rey was staring at him with a sad, resigned expression, and without the usual bright smile she put on her face, she looked smaller and younger - almost a fragile little thing, but still with a fierce determination in the back of her eyes, even as she tried her best to shrink into her shoulder as if to disappear completely.

He swallowed, both awestruck and a little bit terrified by this vibrant girl who stood there, in front of him, telling him things like that and shrugging as if it didn’t really matter.

“What do you mean?”

There was a small silence, and she looked down on her hands, her fingers tapping lightly against her glass, as if to keep them occupied.

“My parents left me when I was five or six. I grew up in an orphanage, back in Jakku,” she admitted, in the end. She didn’t look him in the eyes as she spat the words out, but Ben felt a pang in his chest as she shrugged, the gesture so familiar to him because he used to do the same every time his mother tried to talk to him. _Just shrug it off, pretend it never touched you, it can't hurt you if you toss it off._ “Christmas was a day like any other, there. There were no presents and no celebrations … honestly, it was a miracle if I even managed to eat something”.

It was automatic to stretch out his arm and place his hand on top of hers. Her skin was warm, and he traced small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb, brushing gently against her knuckles as if to reassure her, and when Rey raised her eyes and darted a glance into his direction, she looked hesitant and it broke his heart.

He intertwined their fingers together. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured. “I shouldn't have told you that”.

“No, you didn’t know, it's okay.” She shrugged again, but she didn’t let go of his hand - instead, she smiled at him, softly, fleetingly, and it felt like she had put all the pieces of his heart back together in less than a second. “I moved away as soon as I could. I left Jakku behind but you know … Christmas always brought back those memories. It felt so lonely, every year, so I stopped trying to celebrate it and I just pretended it didn’t matter,” she said, with a small, pensive smile. Then, she raised her eyes again and flashed him her usual bright, dazzling grin. “This is the closest thing to Christmas I’ve ever had, even if you don’t celebrate so … no, I don’t want to be anywhere else”.

It felt so powerful, so _raw_ \- she was looking at him with her bright eyes and telling him she wanted to be there, with him, on Christmas Day because this was the closest thing to a real holiday she had ever had, and he felt his chest go tight again, inexplicably. He had never felt this way before - as if the world was reduced to the point his fingers brushed against her skin, and it only made sense because of her smile, and the look she was giving him this very moment.

“I’m sorry,” she added, running her free hand through her hair, nervous as he had never seen her before. Her fingers trembled a little bit in his grip, and he squeezed her hand as if to give her strength. “That was way _too_ personal and you probably don’t care-”

“I do,” he interrupted her, tracing patterns against the back of her hand, as if to soothe her. “I care about you. I want to make you happy, Rey”.

Rey looked at him for a long, long time, before talking again, and Ben felt his heart in his throat, bobbing painfully up and down, preventing him from uttering any word.

Then, she smiled. “You make me happy,” she said, in the end. “ _This_ makes me happy”.

It went like this - Rey smiled again, bright and hesitant at the same time, a new side of her he had never seen and that felt as captivating and entracing as the other one, and he realized he was in love with this vibrant, incredible girl who had stumbled into his life by some kind of luck, and had changed it forever.

His thumb brushed again against her knuckles, and he let out a shuddering breath, as his heart fluttered in his chest. “Let’s make it a tradition, then,” he whispered. There was no one else in the library, and the wind was howling outside, rattling against the windows and turning the world upside down, but it felt right to keep his voice low, as if he was telling her a secret.

Rey let out her usual silvery giggle, and it felt warm - warmer than a fireplace, and twice as soothing. “I can’t believe I got you into celebrating Christmas”.

It felt easy to throw his head back and laugh too, his shoulders shaking from the effort of keeping it inside. “Now,” he said, with his breath short on his lips. “Don’t get your hopes up”.

“You’re right, I forgot I was talking to Captain Frown,” she teased him, raising her eyebrows, and though Ben felt his cheeks on fire, he wouldn't have traded this moment for anything else in the world.

“Shut _up_ ”.

Another laughter, his heart beating fast, the thought that she could feel it, as he intertwined their fingers together and pressed his skin against hers. Fleeting moments that reminded him of polaroids, captured forever in his soul.

Then, her eyes lingered a bit on him, and her smile turned tentative, as she bit down her bottom lip. “Why don't you want to celebrate Christmas?” she asked. As if sensing the question could somehow upset him, she started tracing patterns against his wrist, her fingertips brushing lightly against his skin as she exhaled and shook her head. “I mean, beside the whole edgy façade”.

He let out a shallow, brief chuckle and raised his eyebrows. “And what makes you so sure there's got to be a reason and it's not just about me being grumpy?” he challenged her, even if he felt his heart in his throat, beating erratically as if to slip past his lips.

“Because you might be the grumpiest person on earth and you have a tendency for sulking in a corner, but you're not that much of an edgelord to hate Christmas just out of spite,” she quipped, with her lips curved into that pleasant smile of hers. Then, she let out a deep breath and the smile she flashed him was gentler, as if she were staring at a frightened animal she was trying not to spook. Her fingers lingered on his skin, as she eyed him, reassuring him, easing him into her. Ben didn’t know when exactly he had started to lean into her, as if he had angled his body according to hers, but now he realized he was instinctively following her movements, almost mirroring them. “You don't have to tell me. I just thought-” she interrupted herself, and bit down on her bottom lip again.

_I just thought you could share your story with me,_  he finished for her, _just like I did._ And she had, he told himself - she had divested herself of her armour and told him the truth, despite how painful it could be for her. He owed her that, he thought – and, more importantly, he _wanted_ to tell her. Not because she had asked him or because he owed it to her, but because there was a part of him that _yearned_ and _longed_ for her, for her soothing smile and gentle embrace, and that spark of connection that twinkled in her eyes everytime she glanced his way. He longed for it – for the understanding that came with her gentleness.

“My father left a few days before Christmas, when I was a kid,” he said, in the end. He let out a deep breath and stared at their joined hands, studying the few freckles that dotted her complexion, a light mirror to his dark moles. He felt her breath hitch, and she shifted in her seat, but she didn’t interrupt him. “My parents used to fight a lot but I never thought … I never thought it could end, I guess. And then it happened, and it was a little bit difficult to feel the Christmas magic when your father was missing, your mother was devastated and Santa had forgot to bring you a gift”.

It took him all of his strength to raise his eyes and meet her gaze, but when he did, there was no pity or sadness on her face – just a deep, raw understanding. “Oh, Ben,” she breathed out, her words so fleeble he barely heard her at all. “That’s terrible. I am so sorry”.

“It’s _stupid_ ,” he said, shrugging as he had always done through his life. “I know it’s stupid, but the idea of celebrating always brings me back to that memory and- Anyway, you win,” he added, going for a small, uncertain smile. Rey barely raised her eyebrows, but she didn’t pull away from him and her fingers kept tracing lazy patterns against his skin, as if they had always done this somehow. “I mean, you grew up in an orphanage and they were starving you out. If there a prize for shitty Christmases **,** it would be yours”.

For a moment, she stayed in silence, staring at him and blinking him in, as if to make sense of him and his words. Ben instantly regretted everything in his life, from his whole childhood to this moment, and wished he could disappear and flee the country. When he was opening his mouth to apologize and tell her he was a dumb idiot who always put his foot in his mouth, Rey surprised him.

She laughed. She laughed, and laughed, throwing her head back and trembling a little bit, as if her small body wasn’t able to contain all that amusement. She brought her hands to her face, as if to cover it, and somehow the sound was even more deafening like this – a warm echo that resounded in the silent library, and in his heart alike.

It took her almost a minute to recover. “Then,” she said, her breath short on her lips, looking almost _too_ happy. “I want to claim my prize”.

Something in the way she had said that made him blush, his cheeks on fire under her beaming gaze. “Oh?” he said, pretty stupidly as always. “And what would that be?”

His heart stopped beating for a whole second.

“Christmas decorations,” she replied, without missing a beat. She rested her head on her hand, staring at him with her big, shining eyes and that wonderful smile of hers that always made his heart race in his chest, and Ben exhaled, letting out the breath he had been holding in anticipation. “Next year, we're gonna decorate the library. No, listen,” she added, probably noticing the frown taking hold of his features. “Christmas sucks for both of us, so we'll just have to make the best of it, so. Decorations”.

He looked at her – that gleam in the back of her eyes, that bright energy about her, the way she was still holding his hand with ease – and pretend to think about it. “We'll see,” he conceded, in the end, but already knew she had already won.

 

**(iii)**

It was raining, by the time they ducked in the back of the library and sprawled themselves on the comfy reading sofa there. Drops of water kept on hitting the windows, a rhythmic noise that almost lulled him to sleep, and Rey was all wrapped in the _way too big_ cardigan he had given her because she was shivering, and it all felt dangerously lazy and warm and cozy - it all felt dangerously like home, as if he had crossed the whole world just to find out he belonged there, amongst these shelves, with Rey on a Christmas Day.

Strangely, the thought didn't scare him at all.

For the first time since he had started working there, he had given in and indulged her because of course he would, and now the whole library was littered in Christmas decorations. There were wreaths and Christmas lights, and there was even a small, humble Christmas tree right next to the door. It was nothing like the tree he remembered from his childhood, giant and proud and towering over him, but as small as it was, it felt _right_ , and Rey had smiled and squealed so happily when she had first seen it, almost jumping up and down like a child, and it had made it all worth it.

_I can’t believe you actually started to celebrate Christmas after all these years just because of a pair of pretty eyes_ , Hux had muttered under his breath, shaking his head as if the idea of having feelings personally disgusted him.

Ben hadn’t even tried to protest and said nothing, but there had to be something on his face, because Hux had rolled his eyes and scrunched up his nose, and proceeded to turn his back on him as if determined to put as much distance as possible between him and that awful thing called _love_.

“I really like it here,” Rey murmured now, sitting cross-legged on the couch, with cup of scorching-hot tea in her hands. She had, somehow, found an old electric kettle in the staff room, and had made them some tea (even if he hated tea, but it didn’t matter- he would gladly drink hot leaf water for the next thirty years, just to make Rey smile like that again), and now here they were, with their mugs in their hands, sitting on the couch and basking in the warmth of all of it, and Christmas Day had never felt quite as peaceful for a long time now. She had laughed when the hot steam from the tea had fogged his glasses and he had pouted for a whole minute, before bursting into a laughter too.

The Christmas lights casted odd shadows on Rey's face, making her look like some kind of fairytale character with her sharp features and her bright eyes, and he felt his heart hammer in his chest when he glanced in her direction, as if being pulled into her orbit.

He pretended not to notice and barely raised his eyebrows, flashing her a teasing smile. “I noticed,” he replied, letting out a brief, gentle chuckle. “You’re here all the time”.

It felt devastatingly easy to slip into this kind of intimacy with her, as if the world was a private joke that only the two of the could understand. Ben often marveled at the fact that he had, somehow, managed to build something like that for himself - a connection so strong and deep and raw that it ran like electricity between the two of them, but had the steady quality of a fireplace, something to come home to.

It was crazy - they had never seen each other outside of the library and surely there was a lot they still had to talk about and know about each other, but Ben had never felt a belonging quite as strong as the one he felt towards her, as if his heart had always been made for this, for fitting perfectly against her own.

Rey didn’t look offended by his words, but laughed out loud, throwing her head back in the way she usually did, a heartfelt chuckle on her lips.

“You don’t seem to be too upset about it,” she retorted, with a smirk, and even if Ben felt his cheeks on fire and he knew he was probably crimson by now, he smiled too, shaking his head as a deep sense of calm and happiness settled over him, bubbling pleasantly in his chest. “But I do like it here. It feels … I don’t know, like home”.

There was a brief, meaningful silence after her words, and Ben let his gaze linger on her for a moment, as if truly seeing her for the first time. She was sitting on the couch as if it belonged to her - as if the library was her home, and not just a place she used to hang out in. His cardigan was too big for her, and she had wrapped it loosely around her frame, not bothering about it. It fell past her thighs, hugging her, and she looked comfortably warm, with her red cheeks and the mug of tea in her hands. She truly looked like she was home, he realized. Defenseless and open and earnest and _real_ , and he was painfully aware of how very much in love he was with her, still.

It didn't matter that she probably didn't feel the same way - Rey had stepped into a vacancy into his soul, awakening feelings he didn't know he was capable of and tugging at his heart in a way that was both painful and pleasant, and he didn't think he could ever get over her, not completely. He felt, towards her, the same awe that he felt towards the infinity of space, the terrible beauty of the world, the wonders of nature - something so beautiful and incredible it instilled something like terror within him, a feeling too big to put into words.

“Well,” he said, in the end, trying his best to shrink into his shoulders. His cheeks were so red he felt the heat come out of it in waves, but he masked it by drinking a sip of his tea and trying his best not to grimace at the taste of it. For Rey, he thought. “You should stay here all the time”.

Rey let out another silvery giggle. “Too bad I have a job,” she quipped, raising her eyebrows with a teasing smile, even if there was a hint of regret in the back of her eyes, as if she wished she could spend here all her days. Ben swallowed, trying not to get his hopes up. “I can't leave the kids behind, not even for you,” she added, and surprisingly, her cheeks turned red and her smile became incredibly tender for a moment.

“You're right,” he said, with a genuine smile. “I've heard they all adore you, though I don't find it hard to believe. I mean, you’re _you_ , anyone in their right mind would adore you”.

Another pleasant, adorable blush spread on her cheeks, and she flashed him that beautiful, dazzling smile he fell in love with two years before, when she dashed into his library with a bag full of food just because she wanted him to eat something. He felt a surge of tenderness toward this wonderful girl right in front of him, and he had to fight the urge to hold her in his arms.

“They are all so _adorable_ , I love those kids,” she murmured, taking a sip of her tea. Her gaze went a little bit pensive, and her smile turned into a slight grimace, as if the beverage had left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth. “You know, I actually started taking care of kids back in Jakku. We were all left on our own, so it was automatic to look after the younger ones, I guess”.

Her gaze assumed that glazed quality she had when she thought about Jakku, as if she was still there somehow, despite how many years had passed, and Ben's heart tightened because she didn't deserve to feel that way. _No_ , he wanted to say, _it was not automatic_ . _Someone more selfish, more self-preserving would have ignored everyone else and would have walked straight on and that’s why I love you, because you’re you, because you’re extraordinary, and you’re the only one who has ever given me a chance._

How could she say things like that and not realize how wonderful, how special, how rare she was? Before he knew what he was doing, he stretched out his arm and took her hand into his, intertwining their fingers with ease. His skin felt electric there where it brushed hers, and he felt her breath hitch on her lips, as if she was surprised to realize he was still there and she wasn't on her own with her thoughts.

“No,” he murmured, his voice so low as if he was whispering the words right to her ear. “No, you’re _amazing_ , Rey. It’s no wonder those kids love you so much”.

She stared at him for the longest moment – just staring, with her bright eyes and her lips parted as if she wanted to say something, but had no words for it. There was something in the back of her gaze that he didn’t know how to decode, but he felt his chest go tight, and his heart flutter against his ribcage, as if she had somehow called it to her.

And then, she surprised him as she had always done from the very first moment, ripping the ground beneath his feet right when he had started to feel solid on it. Before he could realize what was happening, she leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder, her breath ghosting over his neck, her lips inches away from his skin.

It felt devastatingly easy to wrap his arm around her shoulders and gather her against his chest. Rey was soft and warm against him, a welcome weight that he’d give anything to feel again and again everyday of his life and for a moment he imagined it – coming back home to her, holding her close, bury his face into her hair as they clung to each other.

If she felt his heart speed up under her cheek, she pretend not to notice and sighed in his embrace, as if basking in it. He wondered if someone had ever held her like this.

“I'm just glad that something good came out of it, I guess,” she breathed out, in the end, and before he could stop himself, he leaned in a little bit and pressed a kiss right to her temple, as if it could somehow soothe her. And it did, because she melted into him, humming softly under her breath. “Anyway, thank you. For everything. And for the decorations, too, I mean ... I know how much you hate Christmas”.

He chuckled quietly, and Rey burrowed onto him, so easily, as if it had always been like this from the very first moment. “Not as much as I like you,” he whispered, in the end, with his heart hammering crazily in his chest. Rey pressed a smile right against his skin, and Ben felt like dying, but also like coming alive all of the sudden. “And anyway, I think I don’t hate Christmas as much as I used to, since you’ve started to come here”.

At this, Rey pulled away from him just enough to look him in the eyes.

“Oh?” she said, sounding almost surprised, which was crazy, considering he had always been more than obvious since the first time she had stepped into the library and he had stuttered on his words. But she looked surprised – and glorious, with her cheeks flaming red and her lips parted in a soundless gasp and that gleam in her eyes that always reduced him to pieces. He wanted to kiss her, and hold her, and tell her how much he loved her, but he stayed put. “Well … it’s the same for me. It’s weird but I don’t feel as sad as I used to. I- I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been”.

“I’m glad,” he whispered. “You deserve to be happy”.

Somehow, their empty mugs had found their place on the floor by the time Ben stretched out his hand to push a few strands of hair away from her face. Rey leaned into his touch, nuzzling his palm and sighing, her eyes fluttering shut as if to better appreciate this moment in all its glory. Ben felt something tug at his heart in a way that he didn’t know if it was pleasant or not – it felt like she was tugging at his very being, his soul crashing inevitably against hers.

When her eyelids trembled and she opened her eyes again, looking up, a small smirk spread on her lips, and she gestured towards the ceiling with the challenging, determined expression he was so familiar with. “Look up”.

Ben blinked, but did as he was told, as always when Rey was involved, and to this surprise – “Who the hell has put _mistletoe_ in _my_ library?” he said, frowning in confusion, because he didn’t remember putting it there at all and he was sure as hell it hadn’t been Hux, because he had looked like touching even the smallest decoration could grant him a fatal illness.

Rey just laughed, the warm sound he was so used to. “It’s not _your_ library,” she reminded him, poking at his side with her fingers. “It’s the town’s”.

“Still,” he continued, with a pout and a frown, because the mystery of it confused him deeply. “I spend so much time here it’s basically _mine_ and I don’t remember-”

His words died on his mouth, when Rey grabbed a fistful of his sweater and pulled him down in a tentative kiss. Her lips were soft and gentle, and her hands travelled upward, until they sank into his hair, stroking his strands, her nails barely brushing against his scalp, eliciting a shiver down his spine. It was - hesitant and new, as if she was still trying to learn all about him, but was determined to memorize him in her very soul. Her body was pliant and warm, and without knowing what he was doing, he let his hands travel lower, until they gripped her hips and pulled her into him. She coaxed his lips open, and it felt almost like she was worshipping him, slowly and lazily, and putting into the kiss everything she couldn’t or didn’t know how to say out loud.

It felt very sacred – two lonely souls kissing each other in a deserted library on Christmas Day, as the storm raged on outside.

When he pulled away, he knew his cheeks were flushed, and his lips swollen, and his heart was racing in his chest so fast it was a miracle he was still alive, but suddenly all of this didn’t matter at all, because here she was, smiling up at him with that dazzling smile he had fallen head over heels in love with, and the world faded, barely a background noise compared to her existence.

“Oh,” he said, pretty stupidly, slowly realizing what had just happened. Rey – sweet, wonderful, incredible Rey – had kissed him, properly _kissed_ him, and now was staring at him with a radiant smile, her hands still lost into his hair, half sitting in his lap as if she had found the best place in the world.

He wondered if he had had too much to drink.

“I put it there,” Rey told him, bringing him back to reality and pointing towards the mistletoe, that was still hanging from the ceiling. He briefly wondered how she had managed to put it there, but decided he didn’t care at all, and proceeded to stare at her, still too stunned from everything to make sense of what was happening. Then, her eyes turned back to him again, and she frowned a little bit, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. “I- I’m sorry, Ben, I shouldn’t have- Maybe I’ve been too forward? I just thought you- I thought you felt the same and-“

“I do,” he interrupted her, his hands gripping her hips a little bit more tightly, and pulling her into him again. She went willingly, climbing into his lap as if she had always belonged there, and staring at him with stars in her eyes, the frown melting easily off her face as he talked, leaving space for that brilliant smile of hers. “I very much do. I think I’ve been in love with you since you dashed in here with a bag full of food just because you couldn’t stand the idea of me not eating on Christmas Day”.

Her laughter echoed in the silent library, and she stroked his hair, toying with it, wrapping it around her fingers. The gesture felt peaceful and intimate, as if she knew how to calm even his racing heart.

“Well, if you put it that way,” she said, with a teasing smile. “I think I’ve been in love with you since you stared at me with your dumb puppy eyes and told me you couldn’t eat in the library”.

_That long?_ Ben couldn’t believe it, but in the end, it didn’t matter. He surged forward, and pressed his lips to hers once again, relishing in the way she hummed appreciatively into his mouth, her fingers gripping his hair and slightly tugging at it, her thighs pressed on either side of him, as if trapping him in her embrace. He was definitely too fine with it.

“I was thinking,” he murmured, pressing a trail of soft, worshipful kisses from her mouth to her neck, eliciting another humming sound from Rey. Her fingers tightened their hold on his hair, and he smiled against her skin as he looked up. “Maybe next year I could, like, keep the library closed and we could stay at home? Together, I mean?”

Her eyes fluttered open, and she stared at him with a surprised expression, mouth slightly agape, and he felt weirdly tense but also hopeful and happy and terribly, terribly at peace. The bad memories were always there, but Christmas didn’t feel like a cruel joke anymore, and he could imagine it – Rey decorating a giant tree, her radiant smile as he helped her, the joy of creating a new memory to replace the old ones that had hurt them both.

He wanted it, he realized. More than he had ever wanted anything else in his life.

“Ben Solo,” she said, solemnly, as her usual radiant smile slowly made its way onto her face. “Are you actually telling me you’re going to celebrate Christmas?”

He laughed, pulling her down in another kiss. “Yeah,” he whispered on her mouth. “I think I have for quite a while now”.

 

**Author's Note:**

> THE CHRISTMAS FLUFF HAS FINALLY ARRIVED AND IT WAS REAL. You know me by now, I'm a sucker for these two pining over each other like the idiots they are :D  
> anyway, as always, i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat with me. i'm the most awkward person ever and my english sucks ass when i'm not writing, but i'm always happy to chat with fellow reylos ♥ there's a link to my ko-fi on my tumblr, if you want to support me and encourage me to write more of these awful fluffy monstrosities :D
> 
> Merry Christmas if you celebrate it, and a big hug to all of you, thank you so much for reading it and for always supporting me ♥


End file.
